Shampoo and Dental Plans
by Lenquo
Summary: A bit of a crack-fic that I wrote with a friend about 3 years ago. Two RFGs find themselves in Middle Earth and proceed to wreak havoc on live as Tolkienites know it.
1. Prologue

**Shampoo and Dental Plans**

**Prologue**

It was a dark, rainy day. Two girls sat home alone, fighting over the remote with kitchen knives. A fat black and white cat pushed the TV Guide off of the coffee table. It fell open to that day and the girls paused to glance at the shows. There was nothing on.

"Lee, we're watching Fellowship of the Ring." Renee said, twirling her knife expertly.

"Okay." She grabbed the DVD and opened the player.

They grabbed their favourite movie watching items, a lighter and a nazgul costume, complete with actual sword. The movie was to the point where Arwen crosses the river when the picture blinked out. Both girls ran to inspect the wires, trying frantically to untangle them when lightning struck the house. Everything went black as the two girls went hurtling through time and space.


	2. Entrance and Intruductions

Chapter 1

**Entrance and Introductions**

Lee and Renee fell through the sky at an alarming rate. Below, they could see the flood that Arwen called. Then they fell into the river.

Spluttering, they crawled out, and right in front of them was the path to Rivendell. Renee had lost her robes to the current, and Lee sighed as she pulled a fish out of the pocket of her cargo pants.

"Sushi?"

Renee whapped her upside the head.

"Let's go."

The path was smooth and well made, nevertheless Lee tripped twice.

Finally they could see Elrond's palacy-type house-a-ma-thingy. Lee walked up to the door, bowed, and motioned for Renee to enter.

"My lady."

Renee grabbed her by the ear and hauled her inside.

"Behave."

As they searched for Elrond and Gandalf they happened upon Arwen. Lee arched her back and hissed like a cat. Renee slapped her.

"Bad girl! Apologize to the scene-stealing hack!"

Lee looked Arwen strait in the eye.

"I don't like you."

Renee smiled.

"Close enough. C'mon."

Arwen looked at them.

"You're soaking. Would you like to stay for a while? I can get you some dry clothes."

They thought about it.

"Okay, we'll stay."

They flagged down a servant and Arwen had her escort the girls to some rooms. The servant led them down a maze of hallways until they were thoroughly lost.

Their rooms were connected by a door and overlooked the courtyard, so they could see all comings and goings. Hear them too, which just goes to show what Arwen thought of them.

"Nice. Hey, could you nick us some dry clothes?"

"Yeah," Lee added, "preferably men's."

"Of…of course…but, what should we address you as?"

They smiled. "I'm Lee, short for Lennie, which is short for Lenquo, which is my nickname. Some people at home call her D'Loatsae, which stands for Dark Lady Of All Things Sinister And Evil, but her name is Renee."

The servant girl stared blankly.

I'll go get those clothes then, shall I?"

If only she knew what madness was soon to occur.

Lee smiled and tapped her fingertips together. "Excellent. All is going according to plan."

Renee grinned manically and both of them cackled evilly. Renee promptly sat down and began making leaflets while Lee climbed onto the roof with a rather large basket of water balloons.


	3. Attack and Revelation

Chapter 2Attack and Revelation

Renee looked up when she heard the sound of hooves on cobblestones. Through the window she could see Aragorn, Merry, Sam, and Pip-squeak anter the courtyard.

"Three…two…on-"

"BONSAI!!!"

Chaos erupted below as water balloons rained down from on high.

"We're oonder attack! Take cover!" Pippin dove underneath a nearby horse as a balloon exploded a foot away, showering his feet in icy cold water.

Elrond, roused from his nap by the commotion, gazed in fascination at the scene in the courtyard. Merry, Pippin, Sam and Aragorn stood before him, drenched to the bone. No one saw the last, well-aimed balloon until it was too late. This particular balloon had in fact been filled with Suave shampoo, in stead of water. Renee ran out and attacked Aragorn's hair, working the shampoo through it.

She then rinsed it out right before Lee lobbed a balloon full of leave-in conditioner. Aragorn ran off as Arwen approached Renee.

"Thank you!" she whispered and ran after her fiancée.

Anytime, Arwen."

Lee climbed down to the balcony and prepared to jump. She landed in a crouch and promptly rolled onto her side, clutching her ankle.

"Owowowowowow! Oh, I think I broke it!"

She clambered to her feet and stomped experimentally.

"It's good, no need to panic."

Renee looked at her and shook her head. "You dolt."

Lee's hand hovered over her pocket.

"I wonder…" She reached in and pulled out her copy of The Silmarilion.

Renee grabbed it away and opened the book to a random page.

"I can't believe it!"

Elrond approached them and overheard.

"We have our very own written account of the history of the elves! This could give us a rare and valuable insight into the elven psyche."

Elrond blinked. Had he heard right? Could those two humans possibly have in their possession the lost writings? He had to find out.

"Fingolfin."

"Finarfin!"

"Melkor..." Lee said in a creepy voice.

"Our Blessed Lady protect us!" Renee exclaimed.

Elrond stood in front of the girls. "May I see that book?"

"Sure. Renee, hand it over. Now. That's it. Good girl! Have a cheese stick."

"Give it!" Renee grabbed it and happily began eating, however, this went unnoticed by Elrond, who stared incredulously at the manuscript in his hands. Indeed, this was the lost history! But, how did they get it? And why does it say '2nd Edition' on the cover? He would have to look into this matter further.

"May I borrow this for a while?" he asked. Lee nodded, and Elrond retreated to the sanctuary of his extensive library.

Pippin walked up to the Rabid FanGirls and gazed up at them.

"Helloo, I'm Pippin. Who're you? I'm a Took, what are you? Do you like fire? I love fire. My greatest ambition is to one day have complete control of Middle Earth, starting with the Shire."

The two girls looked at him as if he was the cutest thing they had ever seen. They had an unspoken agreement to take him under their wings and help him jumpstart his autocracy.

"I'm Renee and this is Lee. We're RFGs, and we love fire."

Pippin grinned, looking every bit the part of an ornery child.


End file.
